of devotion and transcending destiny
by mellomarie
Summary: I know my heart Sasuke-kun, and it will never change." In which Sasuke realises this is more than silly devotion and Sakura learns that there are some things that you truly have no power over. -SasuSaku-


**of devotion and transcending destiny **

There were many things wrong with her twelve year old self.

She was far from naïve, and she hardly believed in obscure theories like fate. It was a nice justification for her unrelenting pursuit of the enigma known as Uchiha Sasuke. After all, if you believed you had the power over your own destiny, even the most unlikely of fantasies had a chance of happening.

She was selfish though—selfish in the way that Sasuke loving her meant that she could finally love herself. It changed though, eventually, gradually, tragically. She soon learned that loving him wasn't as beautiful as she thought; she mostly cried, she some times screamed. She could scarcely tell when the change had occurred; when did it stop being about her and about him? When did loving him and herself become one single entity?

And despite it all, despite it being excruciating and unrelenting, she didn't remember a time she was happier, as fleeting as it was.

* * *

She used to enjoy being protected by them. It was a self-depreciating cycle, but she reveled in it, enjoyed their skewed form of care. The idea of being fragile, of being irreplaceable; it didn't feel right, but it was still attention wasn't it?

* * *

Naruto's loneliness likened a game of charade—he tried desperately to grasp on the normalcy that others held, and he often failed, but that didn't stop him from trying. It was easier she supposed, wanting something you never knew, and not knowing all of the pain that came with it.

Kakashi-sensei's loneliness was odd in the sense that it had taken away his heart and left it empty. She always imagined him being like Sasuke as a child, perhaps less jaded, but still a cynic. She couldn't imagine the pain he must've felt when everybody that he loved and cared for died. It must've been worse in knowing that there was nothing that he could do about it.

Unlike Kakashi-sensei, Sasuke's loneliness had taken his heart and replaced it with vengeance; and despite him being small when it happened, he couldn't possibly pretend. Sasuke wasn't helpless, but Sakura always thought that was more of a curse than opportunity.

Sakura knew a different type of loneliness—different in the way that she couldn't pretend, couldn't forget, and couldn't fight back. How could she, when her loneliness encompassed all that she loved?

* * *

She was sixteen now, and her team—her family—was still broken. It was odd to some; how a single boy who was so flawed and full of pain could destroy them all. Sasuke was a hypocrite in that way; for destroying her family in search of the one who destroyed his.

Sakura might love Sasuke, but she certainly didn't forgive him. She meant what she said that day, she truly was lonely. Her love might have been selfish, but it was still hers, it was still inexplicably connected to her being. She hated him for that, because she desperately wanted to love the rest of her broken team, but she couldn't.

How could you love when you didn't have the heart to do it?

When Naruto kissed her, she cried.

The tears mingled with the sweat on her cheek, slipping down to her lips where she could taste it; the bitterness, the salt. She was sure Naruto knew this too; the taste of her tears was inescapable, but Naruto was good at pretending. Sakura thinks that she and Naruto are alike in that regard—the difference was Naruto wasn't aware of his own charade, but Sakura was.

The tears never did stop, and Naruto's lips were the only thing preventing her from outright crying. She didn't think it would hurt this much. She didn't think helping somebody she loved deserved this kind of pain. She closed her eyes, threading her fingers into his hair, believing as desperately as Naruto did.

Naruto deserved her first kiss, and the thing she was most of ashamed of was wishing it was Sasuke instead.

* * *

She was twenty when Sasuke returned.

He was being wheeled away in front of her, his hair matted with rain and blood. His eyes were closed, and he had dark bangs under his eyes. Sakura couldn't see the damage that was inflicted on his body due to the flimsy white cloth over his torso. She saw enough though, and she felt her heart beat rapidly for first time in years. Sakura staggered over her desk, her eyes already filling with familiar tears. She felt angry; angry at him for returning, angry at Tsunade-shishou for giving her medic-nin duties and inadvertently helping her meet him. It was a childish, immature and irrational anger.

But Sakura knew that she was hardly rational when it came to him.

* * *

When he woke up, Sasuke felt a blinding light cast over his eyes. He cringed, disturbed at how unfamiliar the sunlight was. He found the bandages covered around his body uncomfortable, but the injuries were minor compared to the mental inflictions.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Sakura sitting on a stool to his right, her hands incessantly peeling an apple. The entire scene was eerily familiar, but her eyes were radiant _then_, and her light humming had filled the room. It was quiet now, and all he could hear was the small knife scraping the apple.

Sakura put the apples neatly on a plate, and set on the side table to his left. She stood up, dusting off her hospital robe, and murmured a small goodbye as she left the room. Sasuke watched her retreating back until he heard the door click shut.

And he had continued to stare at the door, even though his eyes began to ache, and even though he knew she wasn't there anymore.

* * *

She had continued to come every day; sometimes she would peel apples, other times she would simply sit there and read rather large books. She always made it a point of coming with food; he remembered her saying that the hospital food left much to be desired. Sasuke noted that she didn't talk as much as she used too—and when she did talk, her sentences were short and clipped.

She brought apples again today, and when she was finally done peeling them, she put it neatly on his side table as usual. She wasn't wearing her hospital robe, in fact, he could garner from her appearance that she was attending a formal affair.

"Where are you going?"

He didn't think the words would come out so rough, he hadn't spoke to anybody in days. He watched her eyes widen momentarily, as she self-consciously assessed her outfit.

"I just finished my internship with Tsunade-shishou," She said half-heartedly, "It's tradition to have a party of sorts, at least, according to her and Naruto."

"She was your teacher?" He asked quietly, his eyes staring vacantly at the ceiling.

She smiled softly, "I was very lucky to have her as a teacher...I had decided to become stronger when you left."

"You've done well for yourself," Sakura felt uncomfortable when his eyes met hers, "I'm glad."

Sakura nodded, her red cheeks betraying any nonchalant stance she was trying to evoke. Even though she had become stronger, she was still naïve and childish. He had expected better from her, there was no good in having feelings for a traitor like himself.

"Thank you, Sasuke-kun." Sakura smiled softly, her eyes regaining a radiance that likened the young Sakura he had often remembered.

"What are you doing here, Sakura?" He asked, his hands clenching, "I had expected better from you. I broke our bond a long time ago; you should make better use of yourself."

"You may have broken your bond with _me_, but that doesn't mean I stopped caring about _you_," Sakura retorted thickly, "I meant what I said that day, and nothing you do can change that."

"Then you haven't changed a bit," He spat, his eyes hard and cold.

"I never forgave you, Sasuke-kun. You ruined our lives that day—we were just shells of our former selves. Kakashi-sensei busied himself with assassin missions, and I kept seeing him at the hospital more than usual. Naruto acted like everything was okay, as if it was a certainty that you would come back.

"I'm not like Kakashi-sensei or Naruto, because I couldn't pretend and regardless of what I did I could never forget. I was truly lonely, and nothing I did could stop the pain. So I know I can do better for myself, Sasuke-kun, but I _can't._"

Her voice had been thick with tears, and she cursed herself silently for getting overly emotional. Sasuke wasn't looking at her anymore; he probably couldn't deal with the tears staining her face. She wiped them away hastily, unintentionally smudging her eyeliner across her cheeks.

"You really are a fool," Sasuke murmured tiredly, his words not containing a hint of malice.

Sasuke didn't know when it happened; but all of a sudden her smaller hand was enclosed around his and her tear-stained face as merely inches away from him. Sasuke's free hand had clenched around the fabric of the hospital bed because Sasuke—for the very first time—was uncomfortable with the raw feeling he saw in her eyes. He didn't know if it attributed to the fact that he never bother to really look at her, or if he simply never understood.

Sakura had titled her forehead until it lightly met his, and Sasuke was soon breathing the small air between them. Her hand was shaking, but her eyes were strong and intent. She really had done well for herself, and he didn't question the swell of pride that arose at the thought of it.

"I know my heart Sasuke-kun, and it will never change," Sakura whispered, and due to their close proximity, her breathy words had tickled his lips. He watched her hands slowly uncoil from his, as she retreated back to the door. Her dress was slightly rumpled, and her neatly brushed bangs were slightly disarrayed but Sasuke wouldn't tell her that. Regardless of what had just occurred, Sasuke wasn't one for telling anyone such details, especially when he was disturbed for noticing them in the first place.

"I'll see you tomorrow Sasuke-kun," Sakura smiled before she walked out of the door; and true to his usual routine, Sasuke watched her leave.

And once he was sure she was gone, he turned to the plate that sat still to his side, and impassively picked up a neatly peeled apple before he took a careful bite.

**A/N:**

Uh yeah, I haven't written in awhile. Hopefully my already crap writing skills aren't completely rusty. I've had SasuSaku on the brain for weeks so I hope this fic isn't just a mass of illegible fangirling. It's more Sakura-centric than anything, but hopefully it's well received. Review because I need feedback liekwhoa.


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